Beers for the bellies
A beer belly is not a symbol of accomplishment; it is unsightly. It is an irritating protrusion right in front you, mocking you, daring you, testing the limits of your patience, making you feel unattractive. Fortunately, there are ways to solve this problem. Actually, ‘solve’ is not the word that we have in mind, unless you’re willing to go on a diet, exercise or anything of those other inhumane practices. A beer belly can be hidden if you do not have the will power to remove it. Here are ten ways to hide that living blob on you.
10. WEAR LOOSE CLOTHING
Wearing a big shirt
Let us painstakingly state the obvious: loose clothing will hide your gelatinous gut. A common suggestion is to wear two-tone clothing, dark color for the abdominal area and light color for the upper area. You may look like an old-school basketball referee with that shirt, but at least the view of that bowling ball in your stomach will be obscured.
9. ALWAYS BRING NEWSPAPERS
You’ll never know when you’ll bump into someone you like, so don’t leave
Hiding my belly
home without a trusty newspaper, the bigger the better. In case you see that special person, just place the newspaper directly in front of your belly to cover it from view. Voila. Just be sure to bring that day’s newspaper. It will be a bit more complicated to explain why you’re carrying old ones, in case you’re asked. It helps to keep all your bases, in this case both literally and figuratively.
8. GROW A CHEST
The macho guy
It’s a little known fact that when Arnold Schwarzenegger won all those Mr. Olympia contests, he was sporting a beer belly that would put Homer Simpson to shame, but hardly anyone noticed. Why? His chest grew to mountainous proportions and it grabbed everybody’s attention and turned people’s eyes away from his bulging stomach. Arnold is one wily body builder. Makes you wonder what he used to divert the attention of Californians during elections…
7. STAY IN THE WATER
No more bellies under water
The beach is a good place to meet people, but please, if you’re as pasta-loaded as James Gandolfini, don’t be caught sprawled on the beach like an adult Walrus. Have mercy on yourself and the onlookers. Stay in the water. Just leave the relevant parts of your anatomy submerged and wait for a person you like to swim along and then ask for his or her number. See to it that the person is long gone before you get out of the water or else the big scam will be exposed.
6. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS
The fat boys
Choose your friends wisely. Choose big friends. It wouldn’t hurt if you happen to be friends with a couple of people right along the waistline range of the late great Chris Farley. Imagine yourself in a singles’ bar surrounded by all your sumo-sized friends. Why, you’ll feel and look as slender as Barack Obama straight out of the campaign trail. If any person you fancy happens to come along your way, you’ll look like one fit individual. No one will ever notice your belly amidst all the plus-size energy being thrown around.
5. FACE THE WALL
This is a something you learned way back in elementary school. When in the past you used to be given this exercise as punishment, now you can resort to it to assure the survival of your social life.
Just talking to the wall
While at a social event, choose a particular spot in front of a painting or picture. Always be ready to turn around and face the picture in case the person you’ve been trying to go out with suddenly appears. This maneuver is applicable during times when you simply have had too much ice cream the night before and you failed to do anything about the added poundage to your tummy. While facing the painting, feign interest and appear intent in observing it. Do this until the coast is clear and you just might have saved your plump belly from harsh judgment. Be sure to choose a painting or picture that actually looks interesting, or else the people around you might find it creepy that you’ve been staring at a picture of Donald Duck for an uncomfortably long time.
4. JOIN A HOTDOG EATING CONTEST
Swallowing all the hotdogs
This is a great excuse. People who see your belly won’t take it against you. “Well that guy’s been practicing a whole lot for the eating competition, let’s give him break.” It’s a moral camouflage of flab. You don’t really have to eat the hot dogs in front of you. Once you’ve had them convinced that your funny looking belly is the result of a passionate will to win, you can promptly drop out of the contest. “I over-practiced I guess,” you can remark later.
3. BRING SOMEONE ALONG
In case I have her
If your tummy has already reached biblical proportions and the simple newspaper is not sufficient anymore, bringing along a warm body could mend the situation. You can always hide behind the person you duped into coming along with you in case the need for cover arises. If you think your belly still somehow sticks out despite the presence of your human shield, then you can compensate by doing the newspaper maneuver at the same time. A combination of the two just might do the trick; at least you better hope it does.
2. PRACTICE HOLDING YOUR BREATH
Old man holding his breath
Even the Olsen twins in all their thin glory must have at one time or another resorted to this quick fix. You just have to do the necessary respiratory exercises so that you can be able to hold your breath long enough for the prying eyes to go away. Of course, you can do the necessary physical exercises so you won’t have to hold your breath. But that’s out of the question of course.
1. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR ROOM
If not one of these belly-hiding techniques work for you anymore, then you can hide your WHOLE body.
Locked in my bedroom
Don’t leave your room at all. You’ll be away from judgment and ridicule. You will not only feel safe and secure, but also sad, isolated, lonely and miserable.
These ten ways of hiding your beer belly are pieces of advice that a person very conscious of his or her physical appearance can heed. But the best advice would be to love yourself, take care of your body, think less of what other people might say and do what you think would be the most beneficial to your well-being. This last piece of advice was of course not included in the list, it’s too lame, too cliché and boring, but it is the truth. For more information regarding this article, read how to lose a pot belly.
(A beer belly won’t get you a lot of attention from girls, so you better know How To Get Rid Of Belly Fat before it’s too late if you can’t Shoo That Fat Day Away. An advice is you shouldn’t Give Up On Your Fitness Resolution if you want to make this .)