Top Ten Ways to Get Over Your Ex-Boyfriend

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Posted on January 10th, 2008

Broken Hearted
You never imagined yourself crying over a guy, but here you are, slumped on the floor, reminiscing over the sweet times you shared together, that first make out session, that first holiday in the North Pole, that mixed tape he gave you on Labor Day.

As much as you try, you can’t help but think of the bitter memory of him leaving you. That scene where he walks past you to head for the door for the very last time, tortures you every single day. Yes, he may be a jerk for giving you up for another girl or for his mother or maybe his cat or that scholarship at the Bagpipe Academy, but you just miss him badly. You miss your times not with that oaf who headed out the door but that man you loved for years or months or weeks.

If only you could fast forward to the time that your heart was fully repaired and ready to love someone who deserved your attention and affection. If only you could numb yourself now. If only emotions could be shut off with just a push of a button.

Since we assume time machines and emotional anesthesia are still being worked on in scientists’ laboratories, we can only offer the list below. Here are the top ten ways to get over your ex-boyfriend. Try one or more of them and you just might forget why you needed heart recovery in the first place.

10. Watch “Ally Mcbeal” or “Ugly Betty”.

Ally is the perennially emotional girl whose heart is badly bruised by one breakup after another and another. Ugly Betty is, well, ugly. Yes she’s smart, but she’s still dorky and ugly.

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Both series can be outrageously hilarious, with Ally having an extreme imagination and Betty, well, er… being physically challenged, but the real point here is that you will get emotional relief from the fact that your love life could be in no way worse than Ally and you have a chance of being endowed with better physical features than Betty.

Prescribed treatment period:

Take the recommended dosage of one month of watching these two series and we’re sure you’d be just fine. While you won’t exactly forget your ex’s middle name, we’re hoping you will see the brighter side of life, especially the dating part.

9. Learn another skill.

As the adage says, “Love takes time to heal when you’re hurting so much.” Alright that’s not an adage at all. It’s a line from a Mariah Carey song that goes out to all aching hearts who regret losing their exes. So it may take some time to heal your heartache, but with a new skill eating up your schedule you can actually shorten the period of several months to a few weeks. Now that’s express healing with bonus education.

Who says painting, belly dancing and sheep tending are a part of the list? Those are for wimps!

Learn Boxing
You want something that could help release your boiling aggression, searing pain and compounding angst. Learn kung-fu, karate or Thai boxing and imagine your ex as your opponent. If this is not enough, try mixed martial arts and learn the wonders of grappling as you imagine the punching bag as your cheating boyfriend.

If sweating is not your thing, then be the next drama actor wannabe. Sign up for a “Days of our Lives” acting workshop. You won’t have difficulty pushing out those tears if you recall all those times your boyfriend stood you up or failed to return your phone calls.

If you’re worried about getting older from all the crying, why not learn another language instead? You’ll surely enjoy saying ““Vyrvi v ada!” (Go to hell!) to your ex-boyfriend’s face. If you’re not into learning Bulgarian, then try Moroccan: “Hamar li Waldik!”(Your father is a donkey!) or Yiddish: “Me ois vaxen svi a tsibele miten cup in vant!” (You should grow like an onion with your head in the ground!).

Alright, those are not so threatening, but you’ll surely improve your cuss words once you master a few languages. Who cares if your ex doesn’t understand a thing you say? At least you’ll make him look like a fools the next time you bump into each other. Won’t that be more priceless than a new skill added in your resume?

Prescribed treatment period:

Six months should be enough for any of these treatments. For best results, combine all three.

8. Get Fit.

Get fit
Getting more Sexier
Get your mind off of your man and into the gym. Dedicate yourself to improving your body, although we’re sure it’s great already, and start a work-out routine. You can lift weights, run, do aerobics, dance, or rock-climb; the important thing is to do something that you enjoy. You’ll be sweating too much to think about your ex-boyfriend, and the next time he sees you he’ll wonder why he dumped you in the first place. The key to revenge is to live better than your opponent.

Prescribed treatment period:

About a couple of months you’ll be too in love with yourself to think about your old boyfriend.

7. Read about Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.

Best Freinds
Britney and Paris
Ever heard of the German word “Schadenfreude”? It means: “finding happiness in the misfortune of other people”. Switch on to Schadenfreude mode for months by reading up on the most wasted and messed up celebrities of all time. You’ll surely find pleasure in the fact that you’re way better off than these girls. Yes, they’re filthy rich and famous but they’re so infamous too, that no man in their right mind would take them seriously.

Prescribed treatment period:

A day or two gives you a serving of about four dozen humiliating paparazzi pictures and scandalous videos of this trio. Add about a dozen more bad write-ups about them and you’ll say hello to a “happier” you.

6. Listen to Paris Hilton’s songs and read about Jessica Simpson’s golden nuggets of wisdom.

It’s not so much the lyrics in Paris Hilton’s songs as it is her voice that could freeze your brain. We suggest that you get an audio book of Jessica Simpson’s all-time million dollar pearls of wisdom. If you don’t start gnashing your teeth after endlessly repeating the track about whether tuna is really tuna or chicken or if buffalo wings are made of buffalo meat, then you’re a hopeless case.

Prescribed treatment period:

After about two weeks of listening to Paris’s songs and Jessica’s audio books, your brain should shrink to the size of a pea. Congratulations, you won’t be able to remember a thing about your past relationship. With a brain that small, you could forget your ABC’s and all the major steps in tying your shoe.

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5. Dress up in Superhero clothes and claim that you’re the illegitimate child of Luke Skywalker and Princess Lea…Skywalker.

They call me the Space Woman
Go be part of the Justice League’s friends. Dress up like Storm, the Powerpuff Girls or Incredible Hulk on your next corporate meeting. Claim that you learned your barbecue skills from Chewbacca and you’ll find yourself talking to a shrink in no time.

Prescribed treatment period:

A week of colorful superhero fantasies and a month in an asylum should vaporize those torturing thoughts of your two-timing boyfriend.

4. Watch Braveheart 777 times.

Why go boxing or fencing if you can release your aggression by watching a war film? With all the chopping of appendages and oozing blood from arteries in this film, you’ll easily find your aggression, angst, anger and all other negative thoughts and feelings melting in an eternal void.

Now multiply your DVD-thon of Braveheart until you reach the 777th time. Do nothing except eating and sleeping between shows.

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Prescribed treatment period:

Here’s the math: The film without the special features and other extras is about 177 minutes. Let’s suppose you’d spend about 17 hours a day watching this film. With that period, you’d get a total of six viewings per day. That translates now to 130 days of DVD-thon only of this film. We’re betting that before you scratch your fifth Braveheart DVD on the 129th day, you won’t even care about the memory of your ex-boyfriend.

3. Commit a heinous crime.

A Match to burn your life
Burn a barn. Hold a casino up over the phone. Kidnap a multi-million dollar baby. Push a passenger out of a plane. Do anything imaginable to get yourself automatically behind bars, without parole and with either a life sentence or death penalty.

For a foolproof way to get in permanent trouble, simply take after Hannibal Lecter. We’re sure you’d love to stir-fry your colleague’s brains, especially if it came with a guarantee of getting over your psycho ex-boyfriend.

Prescribed treatment period:

All the trauma of being tried and sentenced to prison should get you mentally and emotionally anesthetized by the third month.

2. Find a way to have an extreme case of Messianic Complex.

Who’s the savior of the world? You are!! Yes, recite it like a chant: “I am the Messiah. I have come to redeem the world of all its agony. I am a diva born to be the only hope of the human race!”

Shouting for anybody
Once you have set yourself to believe this mantra, spread your message around the world. You should start with the continent opposite yours so you won’t bump into your ex. Then preach your godliness and greatness to everyone who crosses your path. Make sure to employ some special form of hypnotism so you could get some credible-looking followers.

Prescribed treatment period:

Should you get that much coveted publicity by the first or second week, you can get over that worst member of the male breed by the end of your first Messianic month.

1. Get a rebound as hot and as brainy as Viggo Mortensen.

If you’re just not artistically or intellectually stimulating, forget it. Read: a handsome photographer-slash-painter-slash-poet-slash-jazz-musician-slash-dedicated actor who fluently speaks English, French, Spanish, Danish, Russian and Elvish.

He is the one
Okay, no other man could be as hot, brainy and artistic as this edible actor but anything close to him should be your ideal rebound.

Don’t mind what love gurus say about rebounds and how they serve as a temporary fix. Whatever happened to seizing the day and grabbing opportunity by the balls? This is it! Temporary or permanent, that big piece of meat (brainy meat, remember) waiting by your doorway could just be the Mr. Ooooohh So Right you’ve been waiting for.

Prescribed treatment period:

intimacy + intellectual conversations + hot steamy love with your hot rebound = one week of recovery

If you happen to fish Viggo Mortensen himself then a day would be enough to afflict you with selective amnesia. We’re not kidding, go check out his profile online and some of his hot moves in LOTR and you’ll know why we’re salivating over the ubermensch of Tinseltown.

So the choice is completely yours. Just choose one or more potions from the list above. You’ll surely thank us for the expedited process of giving your heart that much needed recovery.

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