10. Hit on her partner.

 

Enjoy taking the role of home wrecker or third wheel by courting to the point of stalking your friend’s partner. Make sure to let your friend know about your insane obsession. You could even use your friend as a bridge by turning them into your own messenger. Let them give your letters, flowers and other gifts for their partner.

 

Friendship expiration period: A few days may be enough to drive your friend away from you.

 

Risks: You might fall into a trap if your friend’s significant other has been hiding his special feelings for you. In this case, we suggest you take the next trip to Botswana. If that doesn’t work, then have a series of plastic surgeries to take on a completely different identity.

 

9. Hit on your friend.

 

Hitting on a friend is one thing. But hitting on a friend belonging to the same sex is another thing, especially if they’ve known you all the while as being straight. If you have a significant other and even a few kids of your own, you could still try this formula, especially if your friend is so annoying you’d risk your reputation to have them a million miles away.

 

This idea is pretty simple to apply. You just have to call her everyday and send her flowers just because. Compliment her and look at her in the eye. Whether or not she confronts you about it, admit to having special feelings for her and ask her to leave her significant other and move with you to Egypt.

 

Friendship expiration period: If she rejects you and you insist on courting her, a few days may be enough for you to feel that they’re distancing themselves from you.

 

Risks: If she happens to have hidden desire for you all this time, you might be in trouble.

 

8. Offer a speech for her wherever you are.

 

This should work unless your friend is an egocentric fellow. It’s also a great thing to try while you’re in a fine dining restaurant. While she’s in the middle of cutting her steak, stand up, get your goblet and offer a toast to her in front of all the other people peacefully dining in the place. Be sure to make your speech last for at least twenty seconds, enough for your friend to get a severe case of indigestion.

 

If you’re jogging with them in the park, stop in an area where a lot of people are staying. Play sentimental music while doing your salutations before your friend. This act is best done while singing an anthem you composed. Encourage every jogger or stroller in the park to join you in your adoration ritual.

 

Friendship expiration period: Give your friend a week before she rejects your calls or changes address. One week could be extended to a few days if you spend almost everyday with her and slaughter an animal in one of your adoration rituals.

 

Risks: Animal activists might sue you for publicly slaughtering an innocent beetle as a sacrifice. There’s also the risk of waking up in an asylum before you reach the end of the first week.

 

7. Award her with a vacation in North Pole.

 

Remember the movie “I Still Know What You Did Last Summer”? Well, one of the tactics the killer used to get the main character and her friends fall into his trap was to give them an exclusive relaxing vacation in the Bahamas. All they had to do was answer one question right: What is the capital of Brazil? Since Jennifer Love Hewitt’s and Brandy’s characters were no map maniacs or social studies enthusiasts, they turned to the most reliable source: the back part of a grocery item in their cupboard. Since the package says the product was made in Rio de Janeiro, they chose this as an answer.

 

Voila, they won a trip to the Bahamas and got stuck in it during a severe typhoon. It wasn’t until four or five people were killed that they realized that Brazilia and not Rio de Janeiro is the capital of Brazil.

 

While you won’t exactly be massacring college students and resort staff in the Bahamas, you could try a similar prank on your friend. You could sell her a fake raffle ticket or have her participate in a bogus auction you organized. Anything could work so long as you achieve the end of shipping her to the North Pole. Please be kind and schedule the trip during the holidays. This way she could witness how Santa and his elves work on preparing Christmas presents for the whole world.

 

Friendship expiration period: Don’t expect a postcard from your friend. A whole month in the North Pole should be enough of a sign for her to avoid you. If you’re luckier, she might enjoy the North Pole so much she’d consider staying for good.

 

Risks: If she’s dense, she might take this desperate act of banishment as a sign that you treasure your friendship with her. Once she’s back from the trip, she might even bring you a gift like your own sleigh or penguin.

 

6. Be her personal GPS system.

 

Always make it a point to sit beside your friend while she’s driving. Tell her directions in a robotic voice like, “Turn right. Be careful with the log on the side of the road.”, “Turn left now.”

 

Even while strolling in a public place, be her personal guide. Direct her inside restaurants (“Seat down in the chair opposite mine.”), theaters (“Ascend the stairs now.”) and even restrooms (“Turn left to the third cubicle.”).

 

Friendship expiration period: Four consecutive dates with your friend should get her to ditch you.

 

Risks: Be wary of a friend who considers herself a diva. She might take this annoying habit as a reverence to her greatness and hire you as their full-time personal assistant.

 

5. Bring your imaginary friends to your dates.

 

Make sure to introduce first your imaginary friends to your soon-to-be-history friend before involving them in any of your conversations. After all, you don’t want to be rude to your friend, even if you want to ditch her. Be sure to let her know your imaginary friends. If their names are Michael and Bryan for instance, then let her call them on a first name basis.

 

Always tell your friend if Michael and Bryan appreciate her clothes, her jokes or maybe her company. If you’re going on a business trip anytime soon, assure your friend that she doesn’t have to feel lonely since Michael and Bryan will keep her company.

 

Friendship expiration period: If you, Michael and Bryan get to bond with your friend almost everyday, about a week or two should be enough to get rid of your friend.

 

Risks: If your REAL friend has been dreaming of a big acting role onstage, she might find the activity of talking to thin air a lot fun. This means tragedy for you since you’d hurt the feelings of poor Michael and Bryan if you get fed up and suddenly deny their existence.

 

4. Be her annoying doll.

 

Hi, I’m Jonathan, wanna play?

 

I love you.

 

I adore you.

 

You have pretty eyes.

 

I want a hug.

 

Wanna smell me?

 

Are you my conscience?

 

Keep on interjecting these sickly sweet statements whenever you and your friend engage in a conversation. You could also leave these messages in her answering machine so she could listen to them every night when she comes home from work. If all these are not enough, send her anonymous notes saying the same statements.

 

Friendship expiration period: If your friend finds dolls particularly freaky, a few days may just drive her insane.

 

Risks: You’d be in tough luck if the "ditch candidate" actually has a special fondness for dolls or anything that floods her with these saccharine statements.

 

3. Set up a religious sect while proclaiming your friend as the Messiah.

 

You know how a newly set up religious sect starts. You recruit people by sending them stamps of religious figures and MP3’s of inspirational hymns you have composed. Alright, this is not probably how most sects start, but you could do that.

 

Just create a photo of your friend in shining robes ascending from skycrapers to the skies. Use Photoshop to get the work accomplished. As for the MP3, you could simply sing a capella or hire a group of schoolboys in your local school to sing a few hymns for you. Make sure to make the arrangements spine-tingling to lure a lot of followers.

 

Friendship expiration period: Setting up everything plus recruiting a considerable number of followers may take months, but it may take just a day to send your friend to another city in search of a social circle that has yet to hear of her godly being.

 

Risks: Be prepared to be filthy rich with the countless merchandise inspired by your dearly beloved friend you could sell.

 

2. Invite her to join a business scam.

 

This is perhaps the trendiest way to ditch your good-for-nothing pal. You could brew that much needed conflict between the two of you, and also earn money out of fooling them and other people.

 

It doesn’t matter if you’re offering mini vacuum cleaners for outer space use. If you have what it takes to market your product or service, you could easily have your so-called friend sign up for a membership. Of course you’d have a better chance of luring her into your trap if you choose a business scam that caters to her interest.

 

Make sure your friend ends up investing a big sum of money in your gimmick. The drama of this game is much tastier if she decides to invest several years’ worth of savings.

 

Friendship expiration period: Be patient, for three to four months might just be enough to stir a financial commotion between you and your gullible pal.

 

Risks: Be sure to have a legal counsel ready for you might be included in her to-sue list in the future.

 

1. Call her as a telemarketer.

 

You know how pesky telemarketers can get. They call you for days, offering you what they claim to be the lowest interest credit card or the most absorbent diaper. Alright, they don’t really make cold calls for diapers, but you get the idea.

 

Even if you turn them down countless times, they’re like mummies that come back to life to haunt you down for their next sale. Now wouldn’t you want to evoke that feeling of remorse to your annoying friend? You simply have to bug her day and night, wooing her to buy that new raspberry toothpaste or limited edition gold-plated encyclopedia.

 

Friendship expiration period: Devote yourself to a three-week program of phoning your friend just to offer the latest products and services even from such fields as herbal medicine and embalming. Sooner or later you’ll realize that she has changed her phone number just to avoid you.

 

Risks: Be careful not to make your products/services sound too interesting. You never know if you deserve-to-be-ditched friend finds that leather cupless bustier a fine addition to her lingerie collection.