Top Ten Ways to Ditch a Friend
10. Hit on her partner.
Friendship expiration period: A few days may be enough to drive your friend away from you.
Risks: You might fall into a trap if your friend’s significant other has been hiding his special feelings for you. In this case, we suggest you take the next trip to Botswana. If that doesn’t work, then have a series of plastic surgeries to take on a completely different identity.
9. Hit on your friend.
This idea is pretty simple to apply. You just have to call her everyday and send her flowers just because. Compliment her and look at her in the eye. Whether or not she confronts you about it, admit to having special feelings for her and ask her to leave her significant other and move with you to Egypt.
Friendship expiration period: If she rejects you and you insist on courting her, a few days may be enough for you to feel that they’re distancing themselves from you.
Risks: If she happens to have hidden desire for you all this time, you might be in trouble.
8. Offer a speech for her wherever you are.
If you’re jogging with them in the park, stop in an area where a lot of people are staying. Play sentimental music while doing your salutations before your friend. This act is best done while singing an anthem you composed. Encourage every jogger or stroller in the park to join you in your adoration ritual.
Friendship expiration period: Give your friend a week before she rejects your calls or changes address. One week could be extended to a few days if you spend almost everyday with her and slaughter an animal in one of your adoration rituals.
Risks: Animal activists might sue you for publicly slaughtering an innocent beetle as a sacrifice. There’s also the risk of waking up in an asylum before you reach the end of the first week.
7. Award her with a vacation in North Pole.
Voila, they won a trip to the Bahamas and got stuck in it during a severe typhoon. It wasn’t until four or five people were killed that they realized that Brazilia and not Rio de Janeiro is the capital of Brazil.
While you won’t exactly be massacring college students and resort staff in the Bahamas, you could try a similar prank on your friend. You could sell her a fake raffle ticket or have her participate in a bogus auction you organized. Anything could work so long as you achieve the end of shipping her to the North Pole. Please be kind and schedule the trip during the holidays. This way she could witness how Santa and his elves work on preparing Christmas presents for the whole world.
Friendship expiration period: Don’t expect a postcard from your friend. A whole month in the North Pole should be enough of a sign for her to avoid you. If you’re luckier, she might enjoy the North Pole so much she’d consider staying for good.
Risks: If she’s dense, she might take this desperate act of banishment as a sign that you treasure your friendship with her. Once she’s back from the trip, she might even bring you a gift like your own sleigh or penguin.
6. Be her personal GPS system.
Even while strolling in a public place, be her personal guide. Direct her inside restaurants (“Seat down in the chair opposite mine.”), theaters (“Ascend the stairs now.”) and even restrooms (“Turn left to the third cubicle.”).
Friendship expiration period: Four consecutive dates with your friend should get her to ditch you.
Risks: Be wary of a friend who considers herself a diva. She might take this annoying habit as a reverence to her greatness and hire you as their full-time personal assistant.
5. Bring your imaginary friends to your dates.
Always tell your friend if Michael and Bryan appreciate her clothes, her jokes or maybe her company. If you’re going on a business trip anytime soon, assure your friend that she doesn’t have to feel lonely since Michael and Bryan will keep her company.
Friendship expiration period: If you, Michael and Bryan get to bond with your friend almost everyday, about a week or two should be enough to get rid of your friend.
Risks: If your REAL friend has been dreaming of a big acting role onstage, she might find the activity of talking to thin air a lot fun. This means tragedy for you since you’d hurt the feelings of poor Michael and Bryan if you get fed up and suddenly deny their existence.
4. Be her annoying doll.
I love you.
I adore you.
You have pretty eyes.
I want a hug.
Wanna smell me?
Are you my conscience?
Keep on interjecting these sickly sweet statements whenever you and your friend engage in a conversation. You could also leave these messages in her answering machine so she could listen to them every night when she comes home from work. If all these are not enough, send her anonymous notes saying the same statements.
Friendship expiration period: If your friend finds dolls particularly freaky, a few days may just drive her insane.
Risks: You’d be in tough luck if the "ditch candidate" actually has a special fondness for dolls or anything that floods her with these saccharine statements.
3. Set up a religious sect while proclaiming your friend as the Messiah.
Just create a photo of your friend in shining robes ascending from skycrapers to the skies. Use Photoshop to get the work accomplished. As for the MP3, you could simply sing a capella or hire a group of schoolboys in your local school to sing a few hymns for you. Make sure to make the arrangements spine-tingling to lure a lot of followers.
Friendship expiration period: Setting up everything plus recruiting a considerable number of followers may take months, but it may take just a day to send your friend to another city in search of a social circle that has yet to hear of her godly being.
Risks: Be prepared to be filthy rich with the countless merchandise inspired by your dearly beloved friend you could sell.
2. Invite her to join a business scam.
It doesn’t matter if you’re offering mini vacuum cleaners for outer space use. If you have what it takes to market your product or service, you could easily have your so-called friend sign up for a membership. Of course you’d have a better chance of luring her into your trap if you choose a business scam that caters to her interest.
Make sure your friend ends up investing a big sum of money in your gimmick. The drama of this game is much tastier if she decides to invest several years’ worth of savings.
Friendship expiration period: Be patient, for three to four months might just be enough to stir a financial commotion between you and your gullible pal.
Risks: Be sure to have a legal counsel ready for you might be included in her to-sue list in the future.
1. Call her as a telemarketer.
Even if you turn them down countless times, they’re like mummies that come back to life to haunt you down for their next sale. Now wouldn’t you want to evoke that feeling of remorse to your annoying friend? You simply have to bug her day and night, wooing her to buy that new raspberry toothpaste or limited edition gold-plated encyclopedia.
Friendship expiration period: Devote yourself to a three-week program of phoning your friend just to offer the latest products and services even from such fields as herbal medicine and embalming. Sooner or later you’ll realize that she has changed her phone number just to avoid you.
Risks: Be careful not to make your products/services sound too interesting. You never know if you deserve-to-be-ditched friend finds that leather cupless bustier a fine addition to her lingerie collection.