As a child you never believed in the Boogeyman. Neither do you accept that bad karma exists. Then along came your mother-in-law - the inevitable phenomenon that is included in the package of your marital vows with your spouse. Now you’re more convinced than ever that both the boogeyman and bad karma are real.

Since you vowed to stick with your hubby for better or for worse, you wish you could manage this kind of "worse" in your life. You will do whatever it takes to avoid your mother-in-law. Here is our list of top ten ways to avoid the only person who is the sum of all your personal ghosts and horrors in life.

10. Practice your multilingual skills with them.

One way to drive an annoying soul away is to make them feel incompetent. Now you can do exactly that by speaking in a foreign tongue whenever you speak to your mother-in-law. Insist that they adjust and speak in your “mother tongue”. Shut them out by shouting “Fuego” or “ltjldas” if they get angry or force the language that they understand.

9. Treat her to a vacation in North Pole.

Who wouldn’t want a free vacation? Who wouldn’t want to savor a stay in the coolest place on earth? Show your gratitude to your mother-in-law for the gift of the best spouse on the planet with a three-month vacation in the North Pole.

Be a real sweetie pie and attach a note to her ticket, saying “Kiss the wolves and igloos there for me.” Go the extra mile and gift her with a video featuring her hometown so she’d be reminded everyday of what the real world looks like.

 

(Or better yet get her a vacation on the Creepiest Haunted Places On Earth.)

8. Use a Russian accent every time she calls you.

You’re having a peaceful time sipping on a nice hot cocoa. Then the phone rings and you hear the most annoying person on the other line. You only have two options. One is to endure her unnerving comments. The other is to pretend you’re an import from a maid agency in Russia.

We suggest you take a few lessons in Russian accent and follow the latter suggestion. After all, it’s not everyday you make a fool of yourself and your spouse’s mother. Wait, of course you can do it everyday, especially if she’s that much of a nuisance in your life

7. Buy her a house on another continent.

Giving a house to another person is pricey these days, but it would be priceless if you’re purchasing it on another continent for your mother-in-law. Come on, now is the time to splurge. Make sure she has a breathtaking garden complete with all the plants and flowers you can find in that part of the world. This will allow her to toil day and night in the garden she won’t think of visiting you again.

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6. Tell her you’ll be living in a motor home.

If living on another continent hasn’t kept her from making those annoying phone calls, we suggest you lie to her. Yes, you read that right. You have to mar your conscience and lie. Tell her you’ll be changing addresses.

Tell her that since you’ll be living in a motor home, you won’t have a landline phone. Now as for using mobile phones, you could tell her that you have seen the evil doings of technology in your life and the only machine you trust in is your car.

That’s it. End your very last phone call with your dearly beloved mother-in-law. Make sure your farewell is sweet for you’ll surely miss her.

5. Hire someone to deal with them.

If all that tongue-twisting and moving still doesn’t cut your ties with your mother-in-law, consider hiring a personal assistant for this particular challenge.

Let’s say you’ve hired Cynthia from the agency. Cynthia can handle your mother-in-law’s phone calls, letters and just about anything that has to do with her.

Corrupt Cynthia so that she can lie to your lovable mother-in-law. If you’re at home and the walking headache calls, Cynthia will tell her that you’re on a medical mission to save supermodels from the trapping embrace of bulimia and anorexia.

If the boogeyman sends an invitation for your family to come over to her place, Cynthia will just have to send her a bottle of wine and flowers with a note saying that your whole family has temporary leprosy and is now detained in some posh hospital in the Bahamas. She will have to wait until the next holidays to find out about your condition.

4. Be her spiritual counselor - slash - shrink.

You know how depressing old age can be. You’re all alone and almost everybody around you doesn’t seem to understand you. While this sounds more like adolescence, your personal bad karma may just be feeling the same.

In this case, you’re left with no choice but to be your boogeyman’s own shining beacon. Come over at least once or twice a week and tell her to pour out all her emotional and spiritual baggage. Lecture her on how short life is no matter how much of a prune she looks like. Tell her there is still hope for her, through you she can be saved from hell’s tongues of fire.

Jot down every confession she shares with you. Nod while writing down everything she says so that she feels your compassion and understanding. Before you know it your bad karma would suddenly change address and avoid you like the plague.

3. Convince your spouse to change your whole family’s identity.

Pretend you’re one of those royal families whose lives are in danger because of some abusive maniac. Perhaps you could make your spouse believe you were once a part of a secret investigative team that knows every single secret of the government. Any story will do so long as you get to convince your spouse to change the whole family’s identity.

You can do a Michael Jackson and have the whole family undergo plastic surgery. Changing your nose’s shape and perhaps your skin color and hair may be enough for a big disguise. If your bad karma still recognizes you after everything, then proceed to option number 2.

2. Fake your death.

This is actually easier and way less pricey than having to undergo a series of plastic surgeries. You just have to pay a few witnesses who would say your whole family was in a car crash that fell into some murky river in a ghost town. Make sure to choose the murkiest water you can see for the great sink so the forensic investigators will consider the possibility of the toxic chemicals melting your dead bodies.

If that doesn’t sound logical, then go for a river inhabited by several cute crocodiles. They say that this is the best way to get rid of a dead body. Feed one to a crocodile and watch in delight as policemen decipher the mysteries of the missing body. With this kind of drama, you couldn’t expect your boogeyman to go on bugging you in whatever country you choose to flee to.

1. Invite them to an immersion program in Iraq.

If your own death isn’t enough to get your much loved mother-in-law out of your life, maybe her own would send her to a safe place away from your reach.

It’s all pretty simple. You just have to tell Mrs. Boogeyman to go pack her bags and get ready for the most unforgettable vacation of her life. Once you meet her in the airport, present her with her ticket to Iraq and her reservations in a hotel near the frontline where soldiers are “heating it up”. Before you can say another word, she will surely grab her bags and get away from you for life.

The Boogeyman’s Offspring

Don’t fret about how your spouse will take every hideous thing you orchestrate just to avoid his mother. There’s always selective amnesia. If the technology featured in the film “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” is already available, we suggest you hire a group of doctors to erase your husband’s memory of the steps you took to get rid of the boogeyman.

 

(If avoiding them isn’t enough, maybe it’s time you learn How To Get Rid of Your In Laws instead.)